


Stanley Barber is weird

by Thatrandomace



Category: I Am Not Okay with This (TV 2020)
Genre: Abuse, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Basically Stanleys thoughts, Depression, Drug Use, Mainly just very sad, Other, Self-Esteem Issues, Violence, anger issues, domestic abuse, hopelessness, self destructive
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-20
Updated: 2020-03-20
Packaged: 2021-02-28 22:47:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,769
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23234962
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thatrandomace/pseuds/Thatrandomace
Summary: To say that Stanley Barber is not quite normal is an understatement of the highest degree. Stanley Barber is weird. His clothing style is all over the place, his choice of words is usually awkward, his sense of embarrassment basically non-existent. Stanley is weird, and he wouldn´t want it any other way. At least most of the time. Sometimes he starts dreaming though, what it would be like if he had a family like Bradley, looked like him, behaved like him. Sometimes he wonders.
Comments: 9
Kudos: 65





	Stanley Barber is weird

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this at 3 a.m. because i for the love of God couldn´t stop thinking about how HURT Stanley really must be. He is my absolute favorite and i just had to write something. This depressing piece is what came out of it.

To say that Stanley Barber is not quite normal is an understatement of the highest degree. Stanley Barber is weird. His clothing style is all over the place, his choice of words is usually awkward, his sense of embarrassment basically non-existent. Stanley is weird, and he wouldn´t want it any other way. At least most of the time. Sometimes he starts dreaming though, what it would be like if he had a family like Bradley, looked like him, behaved like him. Sometimes he wonders. 

Because you see, when you are sitting at a party, a teenage party meant for you to have fun and you just don´t, can´t have fun, then it´s hard not to wonder. Actually it´s even hard to just sit there not having fun. It was hard right from the moment that Stanley had smelled the beer and the vodka from inside the gigantic house. He had just come from a place that smelled not much different. And everyone is holding a red plastic cup, even Sydney, drinking as if it is nothing. Everyone, except for Stanley. He can´t. Not when that smell already invades so many of his memories. So, he just sits there, watches Sydney and Dina dance, and the couple beside him kiss and wishes that he could let go like that. Wishes that he could be just a teenager, just for once nothing more but a normal teenager. But he doesn´t exactly have much of a chance. And when Bradley barges in, all kingly and prosperous and loud it´s simply too much. It´s just too many similarities. Stanley leaves the party then, goes back to his car, knowing fully well that no one will notice. Not even Sydney, even if that is all he ever wished for. For Sydney to notice him. It´s only when he´s sitting in his car, his car that smells of weed and weed only, that he notices how fast his heart is racing, how hard his breath is going. He tries to take deep breaths in – You look like a faggot – And breathes out again. Breaths in – I was homecoming king, the only thing you are is a loser- Breathes out. Breathes in -Disappointment- breaths out. With still trembling hands he lights one of his joints that he always carries with him. The smell of weed finally fills his nostrils, finally removes the stench of alcohol from his skin, his life, just for a moment. There´s is a reason why he makes sure to always smell of it. 

After his mind is finally clouded enough, he makes his way back to the party and he would never admit it, but he feels a huge weight lifted off his chest when he sees Sydney outside the party. He doesn´t have to go back inside, here he doesn´t. Sydney makes him feel safe once again. And she´s all distant as she always is, but the weed he just smoked makes it a bit easier. H is still bubbling, makes it so weird, as he makes everything but still. At least he gets words out, at least he gets the question out. And even if it takes his clouded mind a second to register Sydney’s words, to process what they mean, when it finally does realize, the happiness is all the more intense. He tries to play it cool though. Just a bit. The grin on his face says it all though. 

When he finally sits in his car, it´s all colours and sounds and he freaks out, just a bit, just for himself. He managed to ask Syd out, and even better, she said yes. Maybe she has finally truly noticed him. Maybe he won´t have to be alone in this boring prison of a city after all. Maybe this has a future after all. Maybe he has a chance after all. 

His doubts come back quite fast. Not with Syds freak out, not with his mind trying to wrap around the events, not that doesn´t ruin anything. He had always known Sydney to be special. Maybe somewhere deep inside himself he had hoped for its o be something like this, that somehow, she could get him out of this mess too. Bradley will only have a football game to remember, but Stanley, Stanley will have something truly extraordinary to remember. So, no, Sydney and her strange powers don´t destroy his hope, in fact they strengthen them, what does ruin it, is the smell of alcohol. The smell of alcohol and failure and lost dreams. It´s the smell of coming home. And just like that reality takes hold of his mind again. His car is damaged. The car he borrowed from his dad without asking for permission. He gulps. This will surely be fun. 

There are many reasons Stanley resorts to smoking weed.

One: It´s the only smell strong enough to cover the stench of alcohol that his whole house is drenched in. It´s the only smell that can make him hope that one day his world will smell of something more than pain.

Two: The smell, the effects, the way he acts because of it, all of those things make him different. Not just from the other people his age, they also separate him from his dad. They make him different from all the Barber men so far. They make him believe that he has a chance to be different. 

Three: Smoking numbs the pain. 

Usually it´s not necessary for point three. His dad only hits him once in awhile you know, small bruises to his arms or legs, nothing noticeable and nothing painful. Most of the time they are just bruises to Stanley, just another colour on his skin, no pain, no frustration attached. The thing is just, that is what he gets when he doesn´t mess up. This time he messed up though. He messed up big time. He feels the fist connect with his face before he even registers his fathers rage. He knew it was coming. Still it always does hurt a little more. 

The next day he does need the weed for point three. His muscles ache and his lungs feel like they are on fire, when he finally opens his eyes again. He isn´t quite sure if he slept or if he was simply passed out. His head feels like it will burst any minute. There is no way to tell which part of his body hurts the most. He limps down the basement stairs, into his room, the room in his house that doesn´t smell of pain and changes his clothes in a gaze. Just another morning. His father is not home, and Stanley honestly doesn´t care where the man has gone. The first thing he really registers that morning is the feeling of a joint between his lips, the smell of weed in his car, the car that is the reason his body hurts today. Hurts less with every breath he takes of the calm that is weed. He sighs to himself. His muscles relax as his mind gets hazy. He thinks of yesterday, the day hat Sydney had finally seen him. He can´t help but grin to himself at the memory. He still has the chance to be something more than a failure. Soon there is no way for him to tell what pain is and what is laughter. It´s almost as if the stuff is magic. 

During the day he sneaks of to his car for a smoke more than once. He has to in a way. He has to. He doesn´t want anyone to notice the way his left leg drags behind just slightly, or how every time he bends his torso in any direction his face is covered in the remnants of what he had to endure yesterday. He knows the people see the bruise on his face, he sees their pitying looks, notices the whispers, but still he doesn´t want them to think he is in even more pain. He doesn´t want to admit that there is more to the story. He avoids the school counsellor’s office at all cost that day. There have been to many occasions like this in the past, he doesn´t need her to get suspicious. He simply sneaks of to his car or the school bathrooms or even under the bleachers whenever he feels the line between pain and numbness expand. It´s just another day for Stanley Barber. 

He looks at the bruise in the mirror. Right there on his left ribcage is a black and blue portion of his body. He has finally figured it out that´s the part that hurts the most. When he puts his right hand gently on it, he flinches back immediately. Yep, probably another broken rib. As he had expected. He sighs and flinches again when his side hurts at that. His life truly is a mess. At least the broken rib seems to be the worst this time. His left leg that he can´t help but drag seems to just be his hip being dislocated slightly. Again. Nothing new there. He rolls his shirt back down again, happy that there would be no scars. That was nice. One day he could forget without his body reminding him of it. One day he´ll be able to leave without much to remind him of his father and his life, and the fact that he will never fit in, that he never had the chance. Not here. Not in this town that is filled with people who have had their greatest moment, who will never amount to anything more than what they achieved in high school. Losers, but not the cool kind. Not like him, not like Sydney. 

When Sydney Novak suddenly appears at the bowling alley, he doesn´t know what to think. She had ignored him, pushed him away the whole day, it´s not like he can simply forget that. And here he had thought that she had seen him. He isn´t so sure of that anymore. But now she is here. Came to him on her own, no involvement from his side. This was all her. It felt good to know that at least someone still cares he exists as anything more than a punching bag. 

And Stanley tries his best to make her feel like she is a superhero, because that is what she is. Special. And perhaps if he just hangs around with her enough, he can become that too. Special. Good. So, he explains the process, gives her harmless try outs makes sure she has a chance to develop. After all everyone deserves that. 

And when he says, his life isn´t always easy either Sydney says she knows and for a second in Stanley’s mind he is happy. So, she did see him. At least now. It makes him happy to know that even with everything that´s going on in her mind he is still something to be worried about for her. At the same time though he feels embarrassed. He doesn´t exactly like this part about his life. It makes him seem weak and that is really the last thing he wants to be in Sydney’s eyes. Even if he knows that she doesn´t exactly care. Still. For the rest of the time they share in the bowling alley, Stanley makes sure not to limp, not to flinch. She doesn´t need more stuff to worry about, he doesn´t need to be more of a burden than he already is. 

To distract his mind, he focuses entirely on Sydney. Tries his very best really to make help her with her superpowers, to help her control that part of herself. He wants her to be happy and if this is the way than he is glad to help. Which is why when he finally figures out how to lure her powers out, he just starts talking, he doesn´t exactly think much about the words. And when he sees the bowling balls rise behind Sydney he gulps because this is definitely risky, but not so dangerous that they need to stop. Right now, it´s just Stanley who would get hurt, just another injury. Just Stanley. And he gulps but he doesn´t stop because Sydney is finally making progress and if that involves him getting hurt that´s alright too. He is used to it. He just wants her to be happy, even if this is what it takes.  
So, when the bowling balls finally do hit the wall behind him, he does flinch, finally he does. Not because of the loud thud, not because of the surprise – he knew what was coming for him – no, Stanley just uses that small excuse to finally flinch after twisting his torso. His left side is burning. He smiles at Sydney in achievement. “Holy shit!” And his happiness is genuine. He really is happy Sydney finally managed. He really is happy that she is special. He had always known she was a superhero. 

And Sydney says: “I could have hurt you.” And Stanley tries to reassure her it is fine. He doesn´t say that he wouldn´t have cared. He doesn´t say that it would have been just another injury. He doesn´t say that death was coming for him anyway. She doesn´t need even more to worry about. But Sydney storms out anyway, and sure Stanley does feel honoured that Sydney is worried about him but in a way he doesn´t see the need for it. It´s not like she hurt him, it´s not like it would have mattered. Still he knows he fucked up somehow. Again. Like he always does – you are a disappointment of a son – and like he always will. Of course, he would fuck up again, of course he wouldn´t be able to keep Sydney around. Why would someone like her hang out with someone like him anyway?  
And Stanley is mad at himself really mad at himself that he messed up with Sydney now too. He simply can´t keep anything good in his life and maybe he doesn´t deserve it. But maybe he does. Still Stanley Barber goes home that day and when his father starts beating him again, this time he doesn´t fight back, doesn´t curl up even, simply lets it happen because maybe just maybe he really deserves this, maybe this is all he is good for. As punching bag. After all nothing good ever stays. Not for Stanley Barber. 

Stanley Barber is different. He is no jock, no nerd. He doesn´t care and cares too much at the same time. His basement smells of weed all the time and so do his clothes and sometimes he goes to school regularly and sometimes he stays home for days only to come back with a new ridiculous set of clothes. And everyone notices him but still no one really does. They don´t see that after he comes back his smile is always a bit emptier, his eyes less sparkling, his attitude more forced. They don´t realize that each time he comes back, his clothes always involve long sleeves and long pants and a collar that hides his body, an outfit that covers everything except his face. They don´t see that after two hours of no smoking he starts to flinch and wince and whine just that quietly. And people notice Stanley Barber because Stanley Barber is weird but really no one truly sees him. 

So, in a way all his hope is pinned on Sydney, on the fact that she will make it out of this city that ruins everyone it holds. She would deserve it. He is not sure if he does and really it doesn´t matter. He doesn´t matter. 

Stanley Barber is weird and most of the time he knows that to be good, likes it even. But sometimes he wonders, dares to dream,  
If he was normal would his father love him? 

Would Sydney? 

so really, it´s his fault he is always alone. Always will be. It´s his fault no one loves him, no one can love him. It´s his fault. Everything is. Even Bradleys death. 

It should have been him. 

He knows it should have been him.


End file.
